To all Separated/Divorced Mom’s out there: Your Kids need their Dad

Last week, a friend’s brother committed suicide.  He was going through a hard divorce and he had very limited access to his kids, because his ex requested full custody.  He had little community resources at his disposal.  Eventually, he could see no way out except one.  He isn’t the first and he probably won’t be the last.

What a devastating blow to his children who love him immensely.

So, here I am, asking all mother’s everywhere, who may be considering Separation/Divorce or who are in the midst of mediation or court.  Please.  Think of your children first.  And when thinking of your children, remember that the two people your children love most in the world are: you and their dad.

And having been in your shoes, I understand full well that you and their dad probably aren’t seeing eye to eye on much these days.  And that you feel as though you know how to care for your children far better than he does.

However, he’s a human being who your children happen to love immensely.  And you are a loving mother who would do anything for her kids.

Following that logic - please: Give your children the gift of having a father in their lives – fully in their lives (unless he’s a true deviant, ie. abuses the kids, any of that sort of horrendously terrible stuff, or is not physically capable).

Don’t use your children as negotiating pawns or keep them away from their father to hurt him.

Grow up.  Keep your personal feelings out of it, unless they are facts that would impact the safety of your children while with him.  Work on healing your inner child.  Do whatever you need to do, to get to that place where you can be open to a 50-50 child sharing arrangement or something very similar.

Your kids will thrive. 

And I’m sure some of you are thinking – you don’t know my ex!   And you’re right, I don’t.

However, from my experience as a personal growth coach who works with Separated/Divorced parents, nearly every single dad I’ve come across is an imperfect human being who is doing their best for their kids.  And they may not cook the way you do, or put the kids to bed the way you do, or whatever it may be.  But they love their kids immensely and they are involved.  He doesn’t have to do everything the same way you do.  Your kids don’t love him because he’s the same as you are.  And maybe he wasn’t as involved with the kids as you would have liked during your marriage.

However, if the father of your children is willing to step up and be a 50-50 co-parent, then it should be his full right to do so.  And you as a compassionate and fair person, and someone who wants the best for your kids, should ensure your parenting agreement is written out that way.

As an added bonus to your kids growing into well-adjusted adults, co-parenting will also leave you with more time to enjoy hobbies, take a course or additional job training, spend time with friends, and venture into dating!

In family court, at this point, moms have the most power to positively transform the way families adjust into a two home family.  Keeping away their dad is a huge disservice to your children.

We need to help our dads, the lack of support and unfair laws are literally killing them.

Take care,

Lisa

PS. For various Separation/Divorce Resources, click here

PSS. For all you moms who are co-parenting 50-50 with your exes - THANK-YOU, but I'm sure you already realize that you've done the right thing.