I remember it very clearly.  I had been a zombie since my separation and felt like everything was unravelling in my life.  I had no idea where anything was headed and I was just trying to keep my day to day basics together (ie. drag myself to work, keep my job :), be as attentive to the kids as possible, eat, fall to bed exhausted, repeat).  I realized later on during a routine physical exam that I was also iron deficient for the first time in my life, which made everything feel more exhausting and my body more like molasses.

My life plan for one long marriage was gone.  What wrench did that throw into all my other plans for life?  Where was my life heading now?  I was coming up with nothing, as far as new life plans go..so I was just putting one foot in front of another until (hopefully sooner than later) purpose and/or passion returned to my life.

So, through all that fogginness, one summer's day, I found myself sitting on the front porch and the kids...

I’ll be completely honest with you – when my ex and I separated I wanted, more than anything, for the kids to be unaffected.  From where I sit now, I can see how completely naive and impossible that idea was – thankfully I’ve grown a lot since those early days!

I think it’s fair to say that no parent wants to see their kid(s) to struggle.  Especially, when they struggle with a situation that you’ve had a hand in creating in their lives {insert a pile of guilt here!!!}.

It’s also hard to attend to your kids as best you can when you’re struggling as well.

So, between us all, let’s agree to drop this unrealistic expectation from here on out.

Kids will struggle when adjusting to a separation or divorce.  That’s ok.  It’s a massive change.  Who wouldn’t?  Separation and divorce is painfully hard.  And sad.  And crappy.  And the short end of the stick. And an overall...

I had the opportunity to visit Halifax a few weekends ago - it’s a city I love and I have great history there!  I also have a 98 year old step-Nana who lives there and so I made sure to take the time to pop in and visit her.

And am I ever glad I did.

It had been two years since we last connected, and she continues to be so positive and upbeat about life – it’s amazing!  Obviously, at 98 years of age, one can’t help but have a unique perspective on life.  And by now, she’s clearly learnt how to roll with the ebb and flow of life, complete with all it’s struggles and all it’s miracles.  And she’s chosen to walk through it, with her head up and with a deep knowing that the tough times will pass and she’ll get through it all.  And she truly has!  It’s so inspiring to me!

So, I’ve taken up the habit of asking myself, when any problem or irritation arises – ‘what would by 98 year...

Last eve there was a new moon – hooray!  It’s that time of month where we are asked to start anew – I absolutely love the possibility of that.  Start fresh.  Try something new.  Be a better version of yourself.

Whatever you’ve been struggling with, whatever is getting you down, whatever habit you want to stop doing.  The universe hands you another chance to start fresh, to try again, whatever you like.

When a situation feels hopeless and it’s impossible to see the right way out of it, I’ve taken this on as my mantra: Just Do The Next Right Thing.

And it’s amazing!

It really helps me drill down on what exactly I can do in this moment.  It moves me away from drowning in the hopelessness of a complex problem or situation that has no obvious positive outcome.

And with my kids, when they are pressing my buttons and I’m tired and just have little patience – this thought comes to mind - 'Just Do The Next...

Ouch.  Just writing this title pains me on a visceral level.

For me, these are the hardest times  - when one of the kids is mad that they are at my house and/or they want to be with their dad.  Nowadays, it happens during a transition between our two houses.  Typically, it starts off with something relatively minor – someone wants to finish a puzzle they’ve started or they are having fun and don’t want to finish up a game to go to my house or the other way around.

When a child of mine is crying that they don't want to be at my house or they just want their dad.  It nearly destroys me.  It drowns me in my guilt about a marriage that’s over, that their dad and I have permanently failed our children.  And then doubles down, with a ton of anxiety for the future happiness of my children.  Cause sometimes in my mind, everything hinges on this one failure of ours: the splitting up of our family.

For the most part, my...

I really enjoyed this article on societal and familial expectations surrounding marriage and divorce, I hope you do too!

What Elizabeth Gilbert's Divorce Can Teach Us About Relationships

What expectations did you find you had to to wrestle with as your marriage ended?  I know I felt like I'd disappointed a lot of my extended family, and that was just for starters.  More on this in an upcoming post!

Have a good week,

Lisa

A friend of mine recently told me she was separating from her common law partner.  They have two children together.  I've found myself giving her a lot of basic information and just day to day advice on the practical steps to get through a separation and she's been asking a ton of questions.  Cause - lets be honest - who knows what separation really entails until you are in it??  So I figured, I’d post them up here as well, for anyone who’s just new to the whole thing.  Here are 7 things that'll get you started, if your marriage is ending.

1. Find a good lawyer for yourself: You need to know your legal rights.  From there you can make decisions on what would be fair for your family’s situation.

2. Find a great mediator for you both: In my experience, a mediator is almost more important than your lawyer.  Especially, if you and your ex really aim to have an amicable split.  The mediator can essentially write up your separation...

After my separation I literally fell off the map...for years!

I hardly kept up with any of my old friends, and even when I did, the contact or the communication was very brief and usually inconsistent.  Thinking back on it, I felt a lot of shame and anger and grief about my marriage ending and how my friends would take me and what they would think!  (Honestly: I was also flat out overwhelmed with just basic day to day things like raising kids and working full-time.)

And so, apparently, my way of working through all those feelings (while keeping a job and raising good kids) was to become a bit of a hermit, and re-discover myself in solitude.

As in, what was it like to be me, with as little outside influence as possible.

I had to really get confident and straight about what was working and what needed to be let go of.  I needed to break it all down, way back to the very beginning, and just find myself again.  Or actually, find myself completely for the first...

I’ve been on vacation for the past few weeks, and as I sit in my parent’s kitchen in Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island, I have been trying to make some sense of how it’s been 20 years since I graduated high school.

20 years is more years than it takes to be a legal adult for god sakes!  At least in Canada :)  And that’s just my life SINCE I’ve graduated high school – I lived plenty before then too!

But I don't feel "old".

I think I’ve been trying to wrangle my literal age with the fact that it feels like just yesterday that I was heading off to university and moving out of my parents’ house.  And boy oh boy, did I ever think I knew everything!  Everything was possible, with some hard work and determination.  That sort-of thing.

Thankfully, most days, I feel as young as ever and have been blessed with good health - so far so good as they say!  I think it also worries me that this life passes by so quickly...

The first year after separation is the hardest, simply because of all the changes that need to be weathered!  Whether you initiated the split or not, life is definitely different than it was when you were married.  So, here’s my take on 10 things that helped me get through that first year, and into the future:

1 My kids: Honestly, their love for me was really healing.  Their love for me and their energy and excitement for life, carried me through some rough times.  It was trans-formative.  It still constantly inspires me to bring my best self to my life – for them.

2 Old resurrected hobbies: Doing more of the things I enjoyed and rediscovering long lost hobbies or activities I hadn’t done in years, made me happy.  It was sort of the start of finding myself, in-amongst all the drama and going on around me with regards to my separation.

3 My routine: Being needed really helped keep me going.  Whether it be at work, or for...